When you hear the calling....

Yes, I know, I´ve been far away for too long and I apologize, I´m much ashamed because I had to thank everyone for their kind words towards me, on mails, tweets and comments, I appreciate it so much, was feeling really sad but you have helped me to bounce right back up, and I hadn´t thank you, so ashamed of myself.


As for why I´ve been so idle on my blog is quite easy, as you know for the last four months I´ve been struggling to find a job inside a company -which I haven´t gotten yet- and was getting a little bit desperate about not doing anything with my life, however thanks to the support of some friends, teachers and -of course- my parents I decided what I wanted to do.

You see, a few years ago when I started studying psychology I was so in love with the idea of actually Practicing my career, dreamed of the day I¨d be finally able to sit with someone and talk about their problems and actually doing something to help people. Then, after a couple of years in the university, after some boring classes and after some teachers that have made it their personal goal to crush people´s dreams, career expectations and kill all the fun in the process I kinda got lost and forgot what was the whole career choice about, that is until I remembered.

bi Tsuki-wo-Nusumu

I admit it makes me real anxious to start from scrap, knowing no one in the whole health-care industry and being myself a freshly graduated psychologist, and it´s been a constant swimming against common paradigms that I start as a consulting professional, I thought I would get a job doing some human resources job for a big company while I got enough money to start my business and start studying a master´s degree, but today I think I can start from where I am, I mean, got the knowledge and the passion for it, it will be a matter of hard work before I start getting any kind of good money, but I´m in no rush. Whole past week I´ve been doing some major reconstruction to get my office set in a nice part of town where I can share with an uncle for a couple of days a week while doing something else to get my name around in the field, I could use some suggestions though, so feel free to give me some advice to start my own private practice, pretty please.

So anyways, I¨m so happy for I once thought "when I´m able to give consultation" and today I am capable of saying "I ALREADY CAN!".

Love
Me

My birthday party

Considering all the events that took place tonight only one think comes to mind and that one is "I´ve had a perfectly lovely evening. Unfortunately, it wasn´t this one.

I´m just getting home from sitting in an empty table reserved for the 10 people out of the 90 guests that received an invitation, 10 people confirmed their presence and one by one they all made a last minute call to cancel my birthday party. One by one the people I trusted the most, those I wanted to see most in an important day to me, they all canceled. I guess that after 26 years I´d have learned, don´t know why I keep trying.

I won´t say it didn´t hurt being kept waiting for people that never arrived, you get to grow used to the feeling however I don´t think anyone should. Don´t know what to say, I´m just depressed and feel real bad, anyways, have a good night.

My birthday! today! YAY!

Today was an awesome day, in fact I spent the night awake until it was past 1:23 a.m. and I swear I could listen to how body sounds when it gets older, lol, in fact, I think I¨m starting to smell a little like an old person.

Today I turn 26 and I  couldn´t have spent a more awesome day, all day long I got congratulations from all the people I care, from around the globe and they are still coming in, I swear I have always hated my birthday but a couple of years since it´s been a really great day and I thank you all.

Can´t believe I´m twenty six now,certainly it was an easier transition from when I turned 25, now that was a commotion haha, Been a great year and I´ve learned so much, met so many people and given love and received so much in return, it´s been a well lived year all in all.

Today I had a nice chat with my parents over breakfast about what I´ve decided to do on a professional level, but that is a post for another day, for now I´m going to eat cake with my family anyone in for some?


Love
Birthday boy

My biggest fear

I know it´s been a while, sorry about that, my life is turning to weird places, I have a huge mess going on in my head about what is it I´m doing in the future and have to admit I´m not taking it well.

Now, as for the title, I would want to tell you my two biggest and most horrible fears, both of them might make you laugh for they are actually quite idiotic on any standard, I know this, but there´s a reason why they are called phobias, they are an unreasonable fear.

One of this -and I have to admit it´s rather shameful to admit it- is I suffer from Telephobia, that is a fear for taking or receiving phone calls, no really, I am totally scared about it and I don´t know why!

My second fear is not more reasonable but I do know it´s origin, I am afraid of making a birthday party. As to the origin of this fear is quite easy, whenever I had a birthday party when I was a kid I was left completely alone waiting for everyone to arrive, of course that never happened. So I´ve tried to avoid making birthday parties ever since I´m 12 years old, so I can avoid the feeling of failure.

Now as the reason of this post is quite easy, I´ve been planning on making a birthday party on saturday, I´m quite anxious about whether I should have it or not, don´t want to be left alone again, I think  now I know enough people to have a half decent party but I don´t know :( well, we´ll see how this plays out.

Infatuation vs. Frustration part 2.

This is part two of yesterday´s post where I talk about opening up to a guy I like and have known for a long time now; today I express why I haven´t I didn´t try to make a pass on him before -just in case you were wondering-.

Well, thing is one year ago give or take I ended a relationship that quite frankly don´t know why I even started, THAT´s the day he learned about me being attracted to men -as weird as it might appear, things usually happen for a reason, but let´s not jump into that just yet- so let´s just say there was some drama in my life at that exact moment.

As the days passed by there was a part of me that wanted to go out with him, specially since it was so easy, it was close and he was willing to do it... unfortunately I just couldn´t do it, realized that I was so lost, didn´t know what I wanted and didn´t want to hurt anyone, specially not him. But why was that? I had feared him to become just a "quick-fix" to a broken heart, a rapid solution to another easy way-out -which was the relationship I had just ended-. It might be seen as me being really selfish, but I don´t think you´d like to be threated as a rebound relationship either, and wanted to know if what I was feeling was real or just some filling the space that had just become "vacant" next to me.

So as time flew by and I stopped seeing him as often as I once did because of school and work it became hard to remember that I was taking time to think about him and me and us, and so I forgot about men. That´s right, I forgot about relationships at all; all my childhood and most of my adolescence I spent it alone so loneliness is no stranger to me, and we get along just good enough, been ages since last time I grew restless about being alone and not finding love, patience has sink in me real deep in that matter. All this time off helped me in ways I didn´t think were possible, made me grow up, find out what I was looking for and made me a whole person so I don´t have to look for my "other half", now I could look for a person for me to share in totallity. Would I recomend it? doubtlessly; is it easy to accomplish? Hell no! requires all your patience and mental stability sometimes to be alone when what you want the most is to be with someone, but in retrospective I can see that all this time looking for what I really want and developing the patience to achieve it has payed in kind.

So anyways, I´ll keep you updated, until some new development takes place I´ll wish you farewell.

Love
Me

Infatuation vs. Frustration

Hope it hasn´t happened to you because it´s quite irritating, however here comes today´s topic: Infatuation: good?

I know this guy, actually, I´ve known him for a couple of years now and he´s always been a real cute with me -also he´s gay-, he found out I like men little less than a year ago, however, ever since he found out he acts like a school girl next to her all-time favorite rockstar, which I have to admit it´s quite flattering lol, as I said he´s real nice, charming and with a real cute smile, he talks and makes jokes around his friends, acts with a lot of confidence and can become the soul of a party... that is of course unless I´m standing next to him.

 When I´m with him he´ll just stop talking, he keeps his phrases short, ending them with something like "you think?" and his eyes to the ground the whole time; if there´s someone else with us he´ll direct the whole conversation towards him/her and talk about topics only they understand -memories of past parties and such- and if I ask something to him he´ll answer to the other person as if he/she asked him in the first place. All of this is quite annoying because I don´t want to hang out with a guy that doesn´t even know how to make conversation, he´s someone I´d like to know better but this way I´ll never get it done if I keep getting out information out of him in a monosyllabic way, ugh, frustrating.

bi ~maybesomedday

So I decided I need to talk to him, tell him honestly that I like him and see where that leads us; as I´ve said I´ve known him for a long time, I haven´t made a try on starting a relationship with him though -even when he clearly showed he was interested in one- because it just wasn´t the right time. I´ll write about this next time though, still have some reflexion to do on the subject, mean while, I´d like to know opinions on my plan about going all out with him, anyone?

Love

Me

Cause you´ll never hear of someone excited of just waiting

There seems to be something wrong with me, maybe is the lack of something inspirational to write about or that my life seems as boring as a night out in a straight club -I´m sorry I just hate those places, I mean guys are sooo drunk and acting like complete assholes, not to mention that the only person dancing are girls and of course, me- but I´ve had a rough time finding something to write about. However is not only writing that´s been ttroublesome, sometimes when I get home turn on the TV and a loud "meh" comes out of my mouth, turn on the computer and "bleh" nothing interesting going on either, talk to my friends and only thing they have to talk about are their problems -I mean it´s not as if I don´t care but come on! there MUST be something else to talk about- so I say "argh" in response.

Life seems so empty at the moment...well not really empty, just slow -I´ve been meeting tons of people lately but lack some excitement- they say life doesn´t wait for anyone, and I´ve lived to that philosophy my entire life, so I´ve become used to a certain life style only corresponding to a huge city, with not a minute to spare and lots of things to do, stress everywhere and weird thing is that instead of being relieved, I kinda miss it. So I´ll beg you to excuse me if there is not many updates around here but life gets kinda boring. However as I hate complains this rant stops here.

On a positive side, I went to celebrate one of my best friend´s birthday on sunday -yes sunday, from everyday of the week on a freaking sunday!- and had a really good time, must say that I was afraid he was avoiding me, last time I saw him was 2 months ago when I came out to him after 5 years of being really close friends, took him quite a long time to get over it, but yesterday I saw him was as cool as we have never been, we even saw eachother earlier to catch up on what´s new, which actually took a weight off of me. Also I tasted a recomended drink by a cousin, haha, It´s called "Calimotxo" what´s in this drink with an exotic and fascinating name? nothing else than Coke and red wine, doesn´t taste as bad as you could imagine, lol.

So anyways, thanks for reading throught the whole thing, had to get it off my chest, and if you leave a comment I´ll be double thankful, good night.

Love
Me

OMG! today is my Blogiversary!!

This calls for a celebration!!

bi *complejo

It is with an incredible feeling of satisfaction that I announce that a day like today only one year ago I made one of  the hardest decisions I´ve ever made, yes you might think it´s absurd, but I was one of the most private people you´d ever meet -that added to the fact that my writing skills suck-, is that it was a real hard choice for me to undergo. I actually remember how nervous I was the first times while writing down my true feelings, it made me scare to death thinking that someone might find out what I was really thinking or believed that if someone knew something about me they would use it against me.

Today however, I have to thank you all for a year of following my life, where I have learned so much from myself and the world, experienced so many sad and happy moments, that had brought me tears and laughter; however, the most important thing that this place has brought me is the friendship from wonderful people from across the globe I would never have met any other way.

I´ve been in touch with so many people that has come and has gone, some of them I keep track of, some others just disappeared from my life, some I´ve never heard of again just like that, some others I´ve had fights with and gone away, you must know that all of that I regret and if given a chance I´d make things better, for all the people that read this, all of my new found friends, all of you are the real reason I´ve grown, learned and become a better person, for all this I wish to dedicate this one year Aniversary to all of you that made this possible and have given me so much with out even realizing it.

THANK YOU!!!

from the bottom of my heart for following the life of this silly boy.

LOVE

DZYAN

Woops! forgot a title for this one

There is no better place in the world to be writing than the one I´m at right now, and that is because I´m between my sheets, five minutes ago I was freezing to death though and it´s all because of my sister.

I love her to death and would do anything for her, today that took the form of a international folkloric dance festival that took place in an open space with no protection of anykind, so what does that meant? five hours of standing under the rain watching group after group of dancers from all across the globe. I will not lie, I went there only to take care of her, but in the end I had a real good time, and who wouldn´t when you get to see guys from across the globe moving in suggestive ways all across the stage.

Must admit though, I´m a little jealous of my sister, she is in a school dedicated to develop the artistic potential of their high-schoolers so they have all kind of dancers, actors, paintors and singers and my parents are so supporting of her as well as my brother and me, however I am jealous because I know I could´ve fit in a school like that, I mean come on who wouldn´t be happier learning how to do backflips instead of being inside a lab doing tests to crap -no, really, that´s what I learn in high-school- I know times when I was her age were really tight and if I didn´t get the chance to do that is because we were more worried with what -if anything- we were going to eat that day and I´m glad we no longer have to do that, so I´m tremendously happy for my sis because she will have the chance I didn´t have, and as for me, well, I know two things to be true, one: the only thing that comes between yourself and your dreams is yourself, and two: it´s never too late to learn, so I´m seriously thinking about my choices, but for now that´s what they´ll remain, thoughts, good night every body.

Love
Me

Me on the streets

One thing I haven´t done in a while when I log in is check out my dashboard on this blogger thing, so it was  pleasing -and surprising- to know that it turns out I reached one hundred followers -omg the humanity!- I know I´ve been a long time around so people that started reading this blog have come and gone so I´d be quite foolish on my behalf to think that 100 people really read what I write in here -honestly who the f*çk cares about what happens to a single guy that doesn´t post pictures of naked guys or talks about his sex life [oh, that´s right, there IS something called sex life, I wonder whatever happened to mine? OH Shit! How long it´s been since last I had sex?! now I´m freaking out! How long´s it been?! gotta do something about that, and soon, any volunteers?] what was I talking about?... oh, right right- so I went and checked on google analytics and turns out I have way more people reading than I ever thought I had or would ever had to be honest, so thanks a bunch to everyone that still reads and follows what nonsense I write about, really appreciate it.

So now to the topic at hand; a question has been running around my head for a while now, it comes around like an annoying fly that upsets your peace, doesn´t seem to want to go away no matter how much you flap in the air or strike the walls with a rolled up newspaper and as much as you try to kill it it´s just impossible to get rid of the buzzing sound inside your head, you get the idea. So this thing is actually a question I think was published on Craig´s blog that states:

If you saw yourself on the street would you ogle yourself? (you get what i mean) How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 in terms of hotness? :)

To which I would answer Hell yeah! I rate myself as a solid 9, because let´s face it, to be a 10 is just an illusion, only man who is a ten is a man you haven´t met, idealize or have only seen in your dreams -so yes, I have a high morale and maybe think too much of me but that doesn´t hurt anyone... or it hasn´t so far- however the part that really hit me was that after thinking if I´d "ogle" myself if I saw myself in the street what would happen next? I mean there´s nothing wrong with a glimpse at guys specially hot ones, however, what would happen next? what would I do afterwards? and then it hit me: I would do nothing!

The idea struck me like a bucket of cold water, "what do you mean you would do nothing?" -I asked myself- "well MAYBE not nothing, I would probably just walk right next to him [myself] like that guy is not even there" OMG, that´s TRUE! I do that often, when I see someone I like I tend to act like he´s not even there and what´s worse, they usually act the same way! it´s like if I don´t see you maybe I´ll be interesting enough for you to want to talk to me, and that´s the most stupid thing I´ve ever thought about! no wonder my sex life it´s non-existent! man, Have to do something about it and quickly if I want to keep on with a good and healthy sexual life, so there you have it, I suck at this things.

So anyways, don´t  let me die alone here, I´ve told you what would happen to me, do answer what would you do if you saw yourselves on the streets, need to learn about how to approach hot guys. See you around

Love
Me

Answers for DD

First of all you must know that I´m doing this post against my own will, it´s actually Deeper Daze´s fault I´m writing today, I´m tired, sleepy, grumpy and a little bit sad, but he insisted I did a post today, oh, and by the way, you can go check his new blog at http://deeperdaze.blogspot.com/ -which makes his profile name not as original as one might think but *shrugs*-


As it seems DD doesn´t have a mail I can send my answers to his questions, I´ll have to post them in here -everyone thank DD. lol- So in order of most resent backwards

What I´m up to today?
Well I went to a job fair which was kinda cool because I found a friend that I see a couple of times at the gym and thought was gay, turned out we went to a dinning room after the whole fair thing was done and talked for hours. Turns out my gay-dar never fails, he´s gay, has a bf and seems to have lived a hard life all this time, he´s nice and a great guy to talk to, we got along just fine and it was fun.

However I am sad as I didn´t get the job I really wanted, so right now I´m playing with the idea of going for some alcohol and just forget about the whole thing, it was an AMAZING job.

Another question is, Do I live in México?

Sure do, all my life, Mexico city that is.

So DD, you should really think about getting a msn account, that way I can answer to you directly lol -and maybe use the chance to change your profile name :P

OH, I also want to take this chance to thank the Lesbian & Gay Foundation (http://lgf.org.uk/) in the UK for the shout-outs of my blog, I feel so international now.

Anyways, now I´m off to bed, good night everyone hope tomorrow is a better day

Love
me

My dad

Ok, so first, gotta apologize on not being around that much, but my internet connection started to suck last week and I get an irregular connection, seemed like the most easy thing to fix but with what resources and education I have I could only made it change if it really wanted to change -sorry, psychologists´ joke, couldn´t help myself- but seems like my dad has solved it, don´t ask me how.

And talking about the devil, today´s my dad´s birthday, YAY! today he turns fifty-two,  which if my math doesn´t fail me he had me when he was 27 and my brother at 25, which is actually my age, OMG, maybe I´m running late to give birth to my own children, heck, he was married when he was my age, guess it´s true what they say, I might be a big slob, maybe, but today´s not about me, it´s about my dad.

Now, Dad and I, we don´t see eye in eye in... well, anything really, we´ve got arguments on an almost daily basis, he complains about how I don´t talk to him that much and I complain about how he talks in the rudest way I know, he has pushed me away from him and I act defensively around him, when I told him I was gay he made a huge ruckus out of it... and yet when it was all over he still stood by my side, he took it like a man and accepted me for who I am; the man worries himself sick whenever I go out at night, will fight my best judgment whenever I feel  like I have to do some activism for gay rights but knows that is something I have to do and will give the evil-eye to any friend I bring home, it´s exasperating.

Dad and I will fight for no reason whatsoever at any given time but the REAL reason we fight so much is quite easy, we are SO much ALIKE. That´s right, I learned from my dad most of the things I know and I don´t mean academic stuff but everything else, he taught me to be a hard-worker, be independent, never give up and solve my problems, so now that I´m older and have learned all this things from him he doesn´t like me because I´m a hard-working, independent and perceverent problem-solver, which is kinda funny.

So dad, I know I´m not the son you wanted me to be, nor the doctor you wanted to have in the family, nor the person that would give you the grandchild you so wanted, in fact I know there´s a gargantuan chance you won´t even read this ever, but I want you to know that I thank everything you´ve done for me for the last 25 years now and want you to know you´ve always been my number one hero and I love you.

bi AndrewDickman

Dzyan

Some time off

First of all gotta say something, I admit it´s hard writing again after so many time away, but have to try or won´t be able to write ever again.

Well, one thing people might not know about me is that coming from one of the most populated cities in the world it is to be expected from me to be a person that has a way in getting himself busy all the time, and you´d be right you´d made such an assumption, I´m quite restless when it comes down to getting work done, so now I´m unemployed this hasn´t changed a bit -Oh! quick update, might be getting a facilitator position for a big pharmaceutical company which makes me real happy but I´m still waiting the final answer from them, guess tomorrow I´ll have to give them a call- What I´m doing then? well to no one´s surprise I´m volunteering at another NGO -well, I was bored and have lots of talents, won´t let them go to waste, lol- and I´m working in favour of male reproductive and sexual health, I guess I´m more in love with the gay community than I could ever care to admit.

Anyways, as to what I am doing, I´m developing workshops and seminars for men to learn how to approach people, initiate conversations and get dates, which is actually really fun to work on, been learning lots of stuff, having so much fun and practising new and old pick-up skills, so it has been a learning experience, lol; now I´m a relationships expert of sorts :P


I will admit that one thing that I love about working in different NGO´s is that I learn so many things about life, people and growing up, so I will recommend anyone if you have a couple of spare hours try to give a little, I´ve received so much.


Oh, one last thing my good friend JP asked me how the Pride parade went, it was really fun, got to go with my second evil ex-boyfriend, and although he ended up depressed -which I admit might be my fault as I think he expected us to hit it again as a couple and I didn´t answer the way he expected- I did have a good time, unfortunately I couldn´t take any pictures as I don´t owe a camera and couldn´t get anyone to lend me theirs. That´s it for today, thanks for your comments and concern, see you soon.


Love
Me

On the run again

Hello again, must say it feels great to be blogging again, even though not much has happened lately, well, besides from being stood up at a date, but well, not much I can do, I told you already I wasn´t thinking much in dating and stuff since I´ve got little to offer, and truthful to my words haven´t been trying real hard to try and get a date, however this time is a little different as the guy in matter is an old known of mine, actually more than that, it´s actually my first evil-ex-boyfriend, lol; to be completly honest I´m not sure still where this -if anywhere- is going -taking into account this is like the fifth time I´ve tried getting him on a date, so yeah, still can´t rule out the nothing happening thing- Man! I can´t remember when my life turned into this constant walking on eggshells, guess it´s a normal part in the whole graduating and deciding what you going to do with the rest of your life thing, 

I remember those good old times where things didn´t get planned, thought-through or meditated, I just did what I wanted and worry about it later -if ever- ah! guess this is what growing up is all about, getting responsibilities and stuff not so fun. However, I´m still young -regardless of what my behaviour might hint- :P

Bi muhjo

So to brighten my day a few I want to talk about something that to me is really important. If you have known me for more than six-months -six-months? where time goes??- you´d know that I used to run wild and free -no, really- and that it was taken away from me because of a leg injury; well, it´s my pleasure to inform that my leg is strong enough now so that I can go take a 20 min. run without ending limping and crying -don´t laugh, it did happen- so YAY ME!!!  I´m still taking it slowly -again with the slow timing, I´m so 50 years old *facepalm*- so I don´t hurt my leg again, which seems to be working, and I couldn´t be happier. That´s it for today´s rant, thanks for your reading of this old young guy to his every complain, lol, have a great one and don´t forget to comment!

Love

Me

On the run again

Hello again, must say it feels great to be blogging again, even though not much has happened lately, well, besides from being stood up at a date, but well, not much I can do, I told you already I wasn´t thinking much in dating and stuff since I´ve got little to offer, and truthful to my words haven´t been trying real hard to try and get a date, however this time is a little different as the guy in matter is an old known of mine, actually more than that, it´s actually my first evil-ex-boyfriend, lol; to be completly honest I´m not sure still where this -if anywhere- is going -taking into account this is like the fifth time I´ve tried getting him on a date, so yeah, still can´t rule out the nothing happening thing- Man! I can´t remember when my life turned into this constant walking on eggshells, guess it´s a normal part in the whole graduating and deciding what you going to do with the rest of your life thing, 

I remember those good old times where things didn´t get planned, thought-through or meditated, I just did what I wanted and worry about it later -if ever- ah! guess this is what growing up is all about, getting responsibilities and stuff not so fun. However, I´m still young -regardless of what my behaviour might show- :P

Bi muhjo

So to brighten my day a few I want to talk about something that to me is really important. If you have known me for more than six-months -six-months? where time goes??- you´d know that I used to run wild and free -no, really- and that it was taken away from me because of a leg injury; well, it´s my pleasure to inform that my leg is strong enough now so that I can go take a 20 min. run without ending limping and crying -don´t laugh, it did happen- so YAY ME!!!  I´m still taking it slowly -again with the slow timing, I´m so 50 years old *facepalm*- so I don´t hurt my leg again, which seems to be working, and I couldn´t be happier. That´s it for today´s rant, thanks for your reading of this old young guy to his every complain, lol, have a great one and don´t forget to comment!

Love

Me

On the run again

Hello again, must say it feels great to be blogging again, even though not much has happened lately, well, besides from being stood up at a date, but well, not much I can do, I told you already I wasn´t thinking much in dating and stuff since I´ve got little to offer, and truthful to my words haven´t been trying real hard to try and get a date, however this time is a little different as the guy in matter is an old known of mine, actually more than that, it´s actually my first evil-ex-boyfriend, lol; to be completly honest I´m not sure still where this -if anywhere- is going -taking into account this is like the fifth time I´ve tried getting him on a date, so yeah, still can´t rule out the nothing happening thing- Man! I can´t remember when my life turned into this constant walking on eggshells, guess it´s a normal part in the whole graduating and deciding what you going to do with the rest of your life thing, 

I remember those good old times where things didn´t get planned, thought-through or meditated, I just did what I wanted and worry about it later -if ever- ah! guess this is what growing up is all about, getting responsibilities and stuff not so fun. However, I´m still young -regardless of what my behaviour might show- :P

Bi muhjo

So to brighten my day a few I want to talk about something that to me is really important. If you have known me for more than six-months -six-months? where time goes??- you´d know that I used to run wild and free -no, really- and that it was taken away from me because of a leg injury; well, it´s my pleasure to inform that my leg is strong enough now so that I can go take a 20 min. run without ending limping and crying -don´t laugh, it did happen- so YAY ME!!!  I´m still taking it slowly -again with the slow timing, I´m so 50 years old *facepalm*- so I don´t hurt my leg again, which seems to be working, and I couldn´t be happier. That´s it for today´s rant, thanks for your reading of this old young guy to his every complain, lol, have a great one and don´t forget to comment!

Love

Me

This is what a not-update looks like

This is truly and utterly surprising, I still have people that follow my blog!

Cool, thanks a bunch.

So... a little about my last days, I´ve been sick -damn flu- all week, not getting any jobs either, so you see, no real reason to update about my life as it seems it´s getting nowhere.

Oh, two important things have happened tho, first, tomorrow is Gay Pride Parade Mexico City! YAY, hopefully I will attend, need to be careful as I´m still sick and all the sun and exposition to the wind might get me real sick. IF I attend, it will be my second parade -as I was always fearful of going to that kind of things and not accepting of myself to be seen in such places- so I hope it will be a good one, last year was disastrous, got all kind of bad weather including a storming rain that ended the whole parade early.

On the other hand, I´ve been talking to a guy at an NGO that works to keep masculine health -you know me always the idealist- and might even work for a couple of months there after I get a real paying job.

Job-hunting has been ruining my life, I have noticed I haven´t made a pass to a guy in months and I´m more pressured about getting a job than doing the latter, guess it´s all about priorities, first, get a job, then get someone to cuddle with, after all, I know there´s few things more enthralling in a guy than him having money -in a relationship I mean, of course in a one night-stand only thing that seems to matter is physical appearance and charisma, so If I have both why not go for those? well, I´m only human, I want what I cannot attain- and I´m broke, so gotta do something about that as soon as possible.

Gotta go back to bed, need to sleep a lot and I do mean a LOT, yesterday was a hard night, couldn´t sleep with all kinds of thoughts jumping to my mind, guess I had too much coffee at a late reunion with an employer, too bad. Unfortunately neighbours seem to be holding a party, a noisy noisy party, one of those that will end around 6 am with everyone drunk and with people getting physically beaten to a bloody pulp, YAY neighbours, they bring such happiness to me. So well, keep healthy -unlike me- and a good night to you.

Love
Me

A quickie

It´s here at last, the long awaited and always belated: Update time!!

So the reason of the delay in my updates is basically, I´ve got nothing so important to update about, or do I? Nope, not really, but I´ll put you up to date nonetheless; been doing the same old, going to interviews, being disappointed in the slavery conditions people want me to work in -I´m not kidding, a 12 hours shift six days a week with minimum wage and no other income is nothing to laugh about, well I did in the face of the HR manager any ways, so that´s a job I´m not going to get-. A good chance does present itself every once in a while and I take advantage of those few occasions; right now a big opportunity is open to me, however as anything that´s worth something in this life, it won´t be easy to get, need to give a presentation about Assertiveness to a bunch of managers and the CEO, afterwards got an interview with some international hot shot I´ll be working for, so this weekend will be studying and working time for me.

Oh, the position, I decided I´ve got a lot to give as a teacher, so now I´m applying for the facilitator role in big companies, I mean, I´m pretty good doing presentations and moderating groups, I´m quite convincing and got a really good presence, so I´ll be doing my best job, I´m nervous though, gotta do my best effort and WOW everyone in the room.

So that´s basically it, well, I do need to thank people for their support, it does mean a lot to me, even when I haven´t been updating much you stick by me, THANKS!!

Gotta go do some work and tease some friends, lol. See you around

Love
Me

My day!!

Yeah yeah, I´m still updating my blog irregularly, sorry about that, but today´s an important day, we´re celebrating Psychologists´ day, YAY us!

First time ever as a psychologist and celebrating it makes me feel happy; Job hunting´s been a bitch lately, can´t get an interview for my life, it´s kinda depressing but hopefully soon I´ll get something. Also I´m thinking of getting a job away from home, in another state, maybe moving out, probably would crush my parents, but I need to learn to live by myself, can´t rely on them all my life, Mexican culture is a little different from other places, here, we live with our parents most of our lives, sometimes until we get married, and sometimes not even then, but as I´m not planning on getting married... gotta move outta here.

Oh, and I´ve been trying to post this one for a long long time, so read it as if it was important.

The day I realized I liked guys, yes, yes, it´s a process, and it takes time, but you always remember the moment the "penny drops" in your head. This is such a story.

Some years ago -can´t remember how many and doesn´t really matter- while I was still learning german, I was looking for music in said language to try and sharpen my ear and get it better for an upcoming exam, so in the mean time I found this band called Polarkreis 18, at first I only met them by a song called Allein Allein and thought, man that´s an amazing voice but when I saw the video I was shocked to find out that the one singing it was actually a guy, however it was until I saw this video that made me say, wow, that´s a guy is really hot



So after a few seconds of a mental pause where you have this crystallizing moment where you realize that you just hit the right nail, you just said another guy is hot, and not only one, but three =S -yes I like most of them- so yes, I was there in front of my computer screen, trying to rationalize what I just said out-loud to myself having a panic attack and trying with all my might not to freak-out, since that moment I tried denial, rationalization, rage, more rationalization, depression and even more rationalization, of course that lasted some  months, as I said it is a process, but as I said before, you never forget the moment of realization when something drills its way up from your subconscious and fights to be free, that´s the day you remember for the rest of your life. Now I´m not saying the band members are gay nor that the band is targeted for gay people, all I´m saying is thanks to them I knew I shouldn´t keep on fighting what I really wanted.

So anyways, congrats to psychologists around. See ya all later

Love
Me

And the conclusion is...

Ok, first I have to thank everyone for their kind comments and great advice, who´d have said I still have readers, lol, thanks so much indeed.

Well, I just got off the phone with the lady that´s -probably- my next boss, thing is apparently they can´t let me get the vacant if I´m an unopposed candidate, they should see another one and see if he´s as -or more- able than me to come to a conclusion, which really takes a lot of pressure off of me, because now I can go to the other job interview on monday and not be pushed into making a decision on a rush, however I won´t discard this one as it is one of the most important ones I´ve ever had.

Also, yesterday while talking with some friends over the internet I was reminded of how lucky I am to be able to get a chance at two different jobs with so much to go for, this because of all the people my age and younger I know NONE of them has a job or job offers, so I must be doing something good, hehe.

Anyways, thanks all for your comments once again.

Love
Me

Oh, and I almost forget, I´m attending the nutrition center because I´m a total mess at eating, so decided I needed some structure, I´m healthy and fine, however I keep eating like as if I were starving all day long, that can´t be healthy, today is the first day of this diet and I´m feeling fine, just kinda need something sweet but I´m not allowed until a little later, which will be an apple and something like cookies, not used to eat them at all, but doctor´s orders. This is the first time in my life I have a diet but it´s not as bad as I thought it would be, anyways that´s all for now, take care.

What to do?

Hey everyone -I wonder if there is still anyone at all, anyways- need some help to make up my mind.

So I´m getting home from a job interview in which I did outstandingly well, tomorrow evening I´ll know whether I´ll be in or out, but chances are pretty much 90% to my advantage, still there´s that 10% which is open because a horrific catastrophe could happen between today and tomorrow. Anyways, I´m applying for a job at the evil office of Human Resources of a huge company that offers a great deal of growing opportunities, blah blah blah, anyways it´s just a job for the short term, I´m planning on going back to school later and some loans to pay.

And it would all be flowers and rainbows but for one thing, I´m being offered a similar job at another organization, however this one is a Non-profit one to which I have an appointment on monday, there I would also get payed, maybe not as much but would get some money, so options are take the safe bet and take the job tomorrow or do the same job in a place where what I do could do some good in the end, what to do? also there´s a big chance I don´t get the second job because I´m competing against other 19 people, but I love non-government organizations, don´t know what to do, been a week since I started sending job applications and now I´ve got two really juicy ones, what´s stronger? my sense of moral right or my greed for money and power?

bi tincek-marincek

I´ll try to post tomorrow if I get the job, in the mean time I need some help in this decision, help, pretty please.

Oh, also I went to the doctor to get a diet for the first time in my 25 years to get even more scrumptious, lol, will tell you more about that later, til then.

Love

Me

Suck

Has it really been that long? man, that sucks! and talking about sucking this post will be filled with things that suck!

bi Purebe

Unfortunately not the kind of fun suck, but the kind of suck that make you go "buuuuh", but first of all I do apologize for not updating this thing lately, work´s been a bitch.

So who/what/where sucks? Work, the suckiest thing ever. Been doing some thinking and even though I enjoy doing what I do, work has become more of an annoyance each passing day, it´s not only the fact that I get no pay at all, but the fact that I am -without trying to make me a saint- the only person there that seems to care a flying rat´s ass about doing any work at all, and I´m not the only one that´s unhappy with this, people that are in need of help, co-workers and pretty much everyone that knows about the place. For example, while my boss seems to be too busy working on his Farmville, I´ve got three really stressing projects to develop so now I´m pretty angry, stressed and outraged that I´m the only one that wants this place to go anywhere. ARGH!

So where´s this going? well, decided I can´t keep doing this anymore, it´s like I own the place and won´t get any pay, so I´m walking out of there as soon as I´m done with my work, which won´t take me more than a couple of weeks, in the meantime I´ll look for a job in the english teaching industry -again- and from there maybe I´ll be able to undergo a masters degree, and maybe in the near future I´ll be able to go back to the whole NGO business, but right now it´s not the best moment, maybe later because I enjoy working for the people and have become quite good at what I do, PR projects.

Oh, almost forgot, made an account for something named Dailybooth -here- so if you want to meet the face of the blogger you so love you should check it out. Promise to update more frequently.

Love
Me

Today I found out I have a stalker lol and I´ll answer a couple of  questions on a comment

But first I want to thank Aek for his comments week-in week-out, thanks man.

So it all began three months ago when school started, I have a class in the morning to which I only had to go one day a week for three weeks and then nothing til today, which is a sweet deal. On my very first class we were told we had to work for an NGO so we could build our humanitarian side, as I already work in one was asked to give a class on the organization, which I give without any further problems and then I stopped going because I already cover the profile for that class.

In the morning I went to school to check on that subject´s grade, at the classroom there where like five students besides me so I get my grade, I sign it and prepare to leave, when suddenly a guy comes out of the blue and starts asking me questions about the place I work at, I could see he was gay so I thought he wanted to ask me a question about... I don´t know, something related to what I do there, however that wasn´t the case, we just talked for like two minutes and I was on my way out not before asking him his name -I don´t know why but I´ve developed this weird thing about asking people´s names and remembering them, also I´m really good at it now- we said our byes and I was out of there.

Ours later -thanks to lovely Mexico city´s Subway and its holdups- I get home and check my mail and see I´ve got an invitation on Facebook from someone I don´t know -I don´t accept people I don´t know btw- however the name was an alteration of this guy´s name and had his picture, now I´ve gotta tell you, to find my profile on facebook is not easy as it doesn´t have my picture but the cute little drawing you see in my profile at blogger, so to know he found me was a little weird, it must´ve been difficult to him to find me, so I see him online and ask him if he was the guy I was talking with earlier on he told me he was, so out of curiosity I asked him how he found my account; well -he said- I saw you hanging out with X and thought you might be friends, looked for you and there you where; -to which I replied- how could you tell it was me? moreover, how did you know how to spell my name?; -after a few moments of silence he tells me- Ok, I lied, after talking to you I asked the teacher for the grade list and looked you up so I could know how to spell it, -I was- Hmm, Ok...., But I´m not stalking you, Riiiight. LOL so it was weird, first time it ever happens to me.

 Oh, he´s a nice guy we talked for hours and he´s so out there, one of the few go-getters I know to this day, so anyways it  was really cool getting to know him, afterwards I had to go eat something and to the gym and didn´t see him again for the day, we´ll see how about tomorrow :P

And now for the big question asked to me by FrankR from Beautiful Veracruz México -tried to answer to him directly bia e-mail but it didn´t have an address to reply to- his questions are "You're mexican, aren't you? why do you write in English?"
Dear Frank, I am Mexican indeed, born and raised in Mexico city for the last 25 years and I can assure you without the intention of scoring any extra merits that I love Veracruz, with some luck I´ll go to one of your gay bars at the port or maybe to Xalapa.

On your second question, I write in english because when I started doing this blogging thing I didn´t want people that know me to find out about it as an ex of mine had a blog in spanish and I didn´t want to have the same follower as him and then him knowing I had a blog and all that, so from that day I ´ve written 100 something posts and I´m already comfortable with doing them on english, besides my redaction has improved and I feel great writing without having to check if my spelling was right and the tense I used was correct every three words -not that I don´t make mistakes, it´s just that I don´t care any longer, lol- so there you go, a huge hug to you, keep sending those questions people, I love ´em. take care and see you next time :)

Love
Me

Long great weekend

Woah, it was a WILD week-end, still don´t know how I´m awake and/or alive : P

I guess I should write it down right now just before I forget or fall for a long hibernation time to reconstitute myself.

On Friday I promised a friend I would take him out because he was feeling depressed, he´s  having some issues with his girlfriend and I just wanted to make him feel better because I´m always the "good guy" with a bunch of friends, however I didn´t tell him where I was going to take him, so I took him to a friendly gay bar downtown where we both had a great time. One thing I did learn from our night out was there´s a huge difference between gay/straight bars goers; a clear example of this is that when you go to a straight bar you go to get drunk, while when you go to a gay bar you go to have a drink and dance the night away. So he wanted to drink and I wanted to danced :/

So everything was great and I menaced him that if he ever got depressed again next time I´d take him to a trans bar, hahaha.

So we got home and got set to sleep around 2 a.m. -I know, early but you have into account that bars close at 3 a.m. in Mexico city-  problem was that right before we got any sleep he opened a chatterbox and just wouldn´t  stop talking until really early in the morning, tbh I don´t recall a word he said, just that my bed is too small to fit me and a straight guy, so if nothing was going to happen I wanted to get some sleep already cause I had big plans for the next day.

So Anyways, next morning I accompany him to the bus and got in touch with Mr. Urs that was in town. I have to say that I´m afraid he might have gotten the worse impression of me as I was always late whenever I told him I´d be around, so sorry about that :(

Anyways, we got together and visited some mexican artisan shop I didn´t even know existed -can´t  blame me, living in Mexico just doesn´t want me to have souvenirs from my hometown- and later headed home for some sleep, afterwards went with my brother to see the movie Nosferatu being played with live music, which was really cool and I enjoyed it, performers were really charismatic and made the movie extremely enjoyable.

Later I got together with Mr. Urs again and we went clubbing, must say I was schooled in dancing by his husband, but was fun to no end. Anyways, I for once had a great time and drank alcohol like they were giving it away for free. In the end I remembered it had been like hours since I had something to eat at all and was surprised how I wasn´t stinking drunk for drinking so much on an empty stomach.

So it was a fantastic night. Oh, and Mr, Urs, I´m sorry for making you walk for an hour or so, next time I´ll pay for the cab.

Need to sleep, take care and be good, see you later.

Love

Me

I do my little dance on the catwalk

So break is here, two days off work and a week off school, nothing could go wrong but the fact that... now I´m working at home.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments, your hugs and your letters they really cheered me up when I needed it the most, thank you for your visits that always make me feel like people give a damn about what I think and thank you for all the new guys that read my blog.

So on my search to get away from work and in the spirit of holidays -probably not what these days are meant for, but who cares anyways?- I went with a co-worker to the cheapest, dirtiest, wildest gay bar I´ve ever been, was so cool in that small room, the people I saw *phew* it was INSANE!

bi koony

I even got to dance in a platform and MAN! I never thought I´d dance on one of those things, it was cool, in fact the wildest part was when the spotlight stuck on  me, you just don´t know what you´ll do when everyone inside a gay club is watching you and shouting and whistling, it was an awesome experience.

However by far one of the coolest things that have happened this week to me is I met this guy -on blogger, so don´t get excited- and he´s really sweet and cute, his name is Manu and he just happens to be Mexican too, now he´s a really nice guy and you should go read his blog NOW!!

So you go read that blog and I´ll write pretty soon, take care.

Love
Me

I need a break from this

No, not a break from my blog -I´ve taken a break for too long for that- I need a break from my heartbreak.

However before anything might happen I want to thank to everyone for their kind comments, their mails and love  all got to me and made me feel so much better.

Here´s what has happened, my bf and I, we talked things over, really really fast as he as always had no time to waste, I understand him though, and knowing that he´s got too much going on atm and I had to let him go -why people say that? it´s  not as if he wanted to go, he just had to- it´s a not the right moment kinda thing and what I want is someone that shows a little interest, maybe just want not to feel indifference out of him, maybe I´m the one that´s imagining these kind of stuff, however I wasn´t feeling like living with that, don´t know if I make any sense.

So lately I´ve been feeling really down, on Friday I decided not to go to work, one of the greatest things about working with gay people is we get depression days, haha, kinda funny if you think about it, guess I found just the fitting place for me to work. I know I´ll be OK given time, right now I just want to be alone.

And to say goodbye to this guy that wasn´t supposed to be with me at this moment, the only song I like from Green day as it makes me feel all tingly inside every time I listen to it


Green Day - Time Of Your Life
Cargado por BulleT_iN_A_BiBle. - Videos de música, entrevistas a los artistas, conciertos y más.

Love
Me

I´ve got an Owie

Well, actually what I´ve got is a f´çkin´ heart failure -a metaphorical one- here´s the deal

As I´ve told you before my boyfriend doesn´t enjoy showing affect in public spaces, therefore he doesn´t kisses or hugs me anywhere but private places, usually I get to steal a kiss from him every now and then and I´m happy, he´s happy, everyone´s happy, right? wrong, dead wrong, what happens when I´m the only one that seems to make any moves at all -I mean trying to kiss him- how do I know? cause I stopped trying to kiss him and he has not once tried to kiss me.

So OK, I put up with that cause I´m supportive, I don´t care, no affection in public? whatever, so I try to get us to get some time for ourselves, it´s been now four weeks that I´ve been trying to get him to go out on a weekend for a date and the result is I´m still waiting for him to make some time, OK you´ve got a life and things to do, but always?

Now you come feeling bad, I do everything to make you feel better, make you smile and forget about your problems, put aside all my issues and listen and try to make you happy, cause I care about you, but one question assaults me... do you care about me?


Anger? I can deal with, sadness? peace of cake, insecurity? my day job, Indifference? That´s the one that makes me feel like shit.

Has this relationship ended without me realizing? are we just like friends now?

WTF is going on?? Feels like I´ve given so much and now I´m left alone, and yet it feels so good when he´s around; one  thought is making his way from the back of my mind, one that says I should just leave, let him go and do whatever I want after that, I wish with all my might it doesn´t come to that, I enjoy his company and I know he cares about me, but I wish he would show it, if I´m as important I wish he would show it to me in any way.

Don´t know what to do now

Trippin´

Today was the day I got home, was in a place far away, you see my grandmother was suffering from depression as her brother died a few days ago, so being the concerned grandson that I am had to go cheer her up, which is easier said than done -yeah I know, sound like I´m Mr. Goody two-shoes, but you know what, I don´t f*çkin care, it´s MY grandma, if you wouldn´t do that for yours then I´m sorry for you.-

Now, let me clear this thing for you, you might think all grandmothers are the all loving, cookie baking, scarf knitting old lady that sits in a rocking chair by the fireplace, heck no, my grandmother refuses to get old and will do anything to prove she´s so young, so for her knowing that her brother died is a huge blow as she´s so young for her family to start dying. So anyways, grandma is a hard person to deal with, she´s the matriarch of the whole family and her feelings are airtight, so for her own good had to get there and help her let her feelings out before she had any kind of health problem; so after a weekend of cathartic work I was more than happy to come back home. Don´t get me wrong, I love her, she´s just complicated.

The whole weekend was deprived of internet which made me realize how much I´ve become an addict of this thing, also, her house is in the middle of Still-town, Mexico, so it´s boring as heck and it´s got nothing to do... well, only thing it´s got is a beach just across the street which was almost empty, but have to admit, a beach all for yourself is not half as fun, still, weekend was filled with a pronounced learning curve in family history which was cool as one has to know where he comes from to know where he´s heading, so right now I´m just tired from the five hour bus trip at night where I can never catch any kind of rest; right now I just need a good night worth of sleep and I´ll be fine. Oh, in case you´re wondering, today was a spare day at work and school so I took the chance to stay home and rest all day.

So anyways, cool to see you all around again, I´ll see you again really soon -I hope- :P

Love
Me

Uhm, Hello?

...Yeah, I think I still remember how to do this.

Ok, so to everyone that follows and/or reads the blogs of this cool guy an enormous apology from the deepest part of my heart. I´ve got no excuse as to why I haven´t updated this place but know this, I´ve been quite busy, busy, busy, you know, work´s  been quite involving, some days I can´t even get to school on time, but not to worry, nothing´s gone to waste -specially with the classes I´m taking- SO the real object of this is to let everyone know I´m doing fine, been wishing really hard to get time to write in my blog but once I get home only thing I wish for is to go to sleep and don´t get enough spare time, so I´m truly and utterly sowwy about it.

Btw, I noticed that since I last left I had gotten a few more followers, welcome everyone, and this only goes to confirm my theory:: the only thing that damages this blog is my presence.

Anyways, just wanted to drop you a line or two, hope to be writing really soon, til then, Dasbidania.

Love
Me

Crushed by the love

I´m overwhelmed, I mean, I am totally amazed by all the love everyone showed to me on my 100th post. Thank you all for all your kind comments, mails, tweets and congratulatory messages, if love weighted the same as a feather, I´d be crushed under the love you provide me.

So well, on that boyfriend of mine everyone seems so interested on knowing about wish things were doing better, ya, cause they are not doing as great as they should, the reason is that in a relationship things need to be talked over and we have talked about our expectations in a relationship and we are at an impasse. Now I´m known for being careless about relationships, never setting up ground-rules and just enjoying things as they come, but this time I want to do it "by the book" -well, what ever you want to call it, just want to make sure we look in the eye in the important parts of a relationship- I´ve never done it and I guess it just will prevent problems on the long run, but *sigh* what ever.

Anyways, whatever the outcome might be, it will be for the better, ´sides we´re good pals and right now I guess he needs a friend more than he needs a boyfriend. Thanks for reading and thanks for all your feedback.

Love
Me

And this makes them 100!

Hello everyone, my name is Dzyan, I´m a 25 years old mexican and I no longer volunteer at an LGBT center, nope, not anymore, now I work here and get payed. I have a boyfriend and the mere thought of him makes me smile; people look at me in a weird way everyday because whenever I´m thinking of him I start talking with an accent that comes from the northern part of Spain -cause that´s where he´s from and I just love the way he talks- I´ve had ups and downs but my past is behind me now, suffice to say I´ve learned from my mistakes and I´m moving forward.

Up until last December I studied psychology, now I´m clearing my last few credits at school which stop me from moving forward. When time comes I want to study a Master´s degree about "Sex and Gender Differences" -but you never know for certain what the future holds for us-.

I´m the -now not so regular- writer of this blog. Almost 8 months ago I started writing about me and once I got over paranoid issues about people in my everyday life finding out my real thoughts, I was glad to start writing openly about me in the most open and honest way I could. This is a HUGE deed on itself, as I´ve always been a private person, have never cared for people and I´ve always been secretively as for the motives and reasons I do anything, people never get what I´m doing, but as Shakespeare once said "There is method in my madness".

Along the way of writing in this place, I met incredible people, they´ve been patient enough to me to stay all this time, some more have come, others have gone, some have gotten mad at me, some have advised me, but all of them have helped me become what I am today and for that I am ever so thankful.

This is my post number 100 and I know I wouldn´t have been able to survive all this time without this place and without all the people who´s been with me, for this I´m eternally grateful to you all; so here´s to you my beloved friends

bi Haikera_Baiketsu

The reason I write this introduction of sorts, is because, today, one hundred posts later, I´ve changed a lot, I´m more mature -or I´d like to think so-, more confident and happier about life, I´ve accepted myself as I am and have shared with so many people a little piece of our lives, now I open myself to people and welcome them in my life, it´s taken quite a lot of time and effort, but it´s been worth every single bruise and insult along the way, only thing I´m still wondering is: How much more changed will I be in a hundred more posts? only one way to find out... so stick around to find out, oh, and it wouldn´t hurt you to leave a comment. So see you later and once again, 

THANK YOU!!

Love
Dzyan