Nov 18, 2009


On Hiatus

Sorry posting takes way too much out of me and not getting as much fun as I once did.

By Heile

Still, maybe I´ll be around, take care.

Nov 17, 2009

Under a blue cold moon

-So we´re settled then -Dzyan typed over his keyboard without anything in particular in his mind - I´ll see you in a couple of hours, see ya then. -of course, after all this a moment of clarification kicked in, the kind of moment when the succession of things that have just happened really sink in and people realize what they did.

-You have a date -said the voice in the back of his head- You haven´t  gotten a date in months -that voice, the voice that talks people out of things, the voice that whisper in everyone´s ears to prepare them for the worst, that voice everyone has heard more than once in their lives, it´s voice know to everyone as "self-doubt"- do you think he´ll even like you? what if he gets bored? .

-Shut up you, you know I haven´t payed attention to you in months and I´m not having any of your pessimistic thoughts now -unbeknownst to everyone else, Dzyan usually chats with these voices that spring in his mind every once in while, they usually argue with each other and reach to conclusions over what should be done next, this is also known as insight. Self doubt, even when it´s got a negative connotation is an evolved part of the human brain that grew from the more primitive part called fear, which helps people get away from dangerous situations, but when heard too much can lead to a life of solitude.

And so time passed, he got to his destination on time, sharp as a razor, he sat there and got a message -I´ll get there in 5 minutes- Dzyan however has never been keen to wait sitting, even sitting for classes was an exercise for his will, so he just walked around, 20 minutes elapsed and far away his silhouette was visible at last, it was the silhouette of a remarkably cute 21 year old boy, that even when they have been acquainted for over a year, he didn´t know Dzyan´s secret intimacy with men, Dzyan has always been at an advantage there as for even if his date was hard to recognize as gay he has developed an eye for that and had knew he was from the beginning, they had grown apart because they have been busy over the last few months, however over the last week they had started talking to each other and gotten close enough as to get a date.

-Ed, so glad you got here
-So sorry, wasn´t my intention, I was just...
-Hey, doesn´t matter, you´re here now

Wind was blowing in their faces, weather had been getting colder since the sun came down more than half an hour ago, they took off and started talking, walking the streets, Dzyan has always enjoyed walking, it eases him and makes conversation more pleasant for him. He wondered in his mind how this particular uneventful day free of school and work could´ve become the first date he has gotten in such a long time.

When the weather got even colder they got into a coffee shop, the smell was inviting and the warmth was welcoming, Ed held the door open for Dzyan and insisted on paying for the beverages, which put him a little unease as he had never been treated this way and in fact, was Ed´s role the one he usually assumed during dating. Conversation carried on smooth and without problems, although a little anxiety could be seen in his date, so Dzyan tried on different occasions to calm him down holding his hand and slowing things down so that he didn´t feel uncomfortable. After an hour of this, Dzyan´s legs got once again a little more than restless and he knew he had to start walking again, he didn´t feel the cold for his body was always warm, even today he wore only a plain black t-shirt he couldn´t feel but his blistering temperature, his date however couldn´t stand it, even so, they got out and walked together on the cold, Dzyan was so repentant he couldn´t sit still for a longer time, so to keep Ed warm he went on and hugged him while they walked against the freezing wind, and so their bodies kept warm.

Night was already at it´s peak and they knew they had to make their way to their respective homes, and even while Dzyan made his best effort in leaving Ed off at the nearest bus stop, Ed insisted on walking him to the farthest point he could, so they walked on the street, Dzyan wondered if he should go ahead and try to sweep him off his feet, kiss him then and there with only the moon as their witness, but he refrained, he had already done harm to other people with his recklessness and Ed was special, he wanted to take it slow and make it right, time has always been Dzyan´s worst enemy, seems like he always race against it, like he always wanted to beat time in it´s own game, but time is necessary, time is needed, time is wise.

So when they reached the point where the subway and the bus touch each other they knew they had to part ways, they hugged and thanked each other for everything, and walked their separate ways not before promising to go out some other day, but for now, staying only as friends.

When Dzyan got home, he sent a message on his cell phone to thank once again for the coffee, he has never truly believed in waiting 24 hours for a thank you note when you really are thankful. He laid in bed and glimpsed back on his day, - Ahh -he thought- things like these only happen bi night

Nov 15, 2009

Tijuana Makes Me Happy

Never been to Tijuana actually -way too far up north- but as they say if Mahoma doesn't go to the mountain, then the mountain will go to Mahoma -old mexican saying- which means a little Tijuana came to me, in the way of a concert which was really good, loved it so much I think everyone should listen to it a little at least

Electronic Mexican Music FTW.
Unfortunately the best looking guy around in the whole concert was... -without false modesty- well, yours truly, which makes me wonder which one is more true an affirmation, either I´m too good-looking or I go to the worst places ever to find a guy, and as I don´t think first option is right I´ll try and go to better places.
But that´s not all, on Thursday I got to see THE BAND, the rock n´roll band I´ve loved since I was a teenager with long hair and washed-out jeans -my jeans now are washed-out too but that´s because I wear them too hard, always running, crawling and on my knees (well, not as much as I used to now but...)- The band I love above all things, the one and only AC/DC and god do they still rock, had multiple rock-gasms the same night and if I were a smoker I think a cigar wouldn´t have been enough. So from the Black ice album, I give you "Rock n´Roll Train", which in MY humble opinion -though this post has been everything but humble- it´s one of their best songs b/c they remind me of how they usually played back in the days as opposed by the single "Black ice".

I know a huge difference between genres in music, but who cares. on that same day I´m proud to say I got my graduation picture, so now I have pictures of me wearing a toga with all my friends, which makes me think I´ve never been to a Toga party, wonder if people would attend to that one, so RSVP to me on that.
On bloggers´ news
-It´s sunday after all-
Found two new guys that are starting out, "Ron" how´s a friend to "Brett" :P, and "Ron" IS keeping score so if I were you I´d go there right now. And Ty who promises He´ll be doing tricks for us, I for once want to see that.
Also Pierre came out to his mom and you know, it takes a lot of guts to do that, so go Hi-five him a little, he deserves that and more. Also I haven´t been reading or writing as much as I´d wish, but bear with me a little, I´m ending a part of my life here with school ending and all so have to take some time off once in a while to get it done right, but I always read and appreciate your comments, You ROCK.
Tomorrow no school, no work, but also no gym :( but will have time to myself for a little while, hope I don´t get bored. That´s all for now, take care and Toga, yes? no? talk among yourselves.

Love to all

Nov 11, 2009

To Mambam

May the sun dispel the clouds in your path bringing you light and happiness wherever you might be.

Some days it just seems sun won´t come out and cold will stay forever with us in the eternal winter of our lives. That´s what loved ones are for, they can always hold you close to their chests and bring warm to your heart, hope I could do it.

And to everyone who´s sun is gone and seems it won´t come back, don´t let it bring you down and know that the sun always comes up spreading its light on every shadow. After all, the darkest hour is always just before dawn.

Love to all -specially Mambam-

-sorry, can´t make the sun come out in the UK. but can send you its gentle heat- 

Please, Do not feed or tease the animals

That´s the message in all Zoos, "Don´t feed the animals", it is because the dietary control in those places is quite strict, otherwise we´d have morbidly obese animals at every one of these places -and I can´t imagine the sight of a fat gazelle or giraffe, although to thought of an obese elephant would not perturb my sleep-; besides if people were to start feeding them they´d do so all the time and animals´d become used to asking for food to every visitor they get. Would get up at the sight of a person wishfully thinking food is coming, and when they pass right in front of them without so much as a piece of a candy bar they might get upset, and for the love of me, wouldn´t like to see an upset bear -I´ve seen them "dancing" on bars and they aren´t really that good, but then again, different bears-.

Food is the nourishment of the body, but what really feeds us, what nourishes our souls, what replenishes our love for life, ourselves and the world, are hugs. Hugs lower blood pressure and increase the levels of the neurotransmitter known as Oxytocin, a hug strengthens one´s self-esteem, reassures you, makes you feel close to a person, dispels feelings of loneliness, fights fears, erases traces of doubt, clears your mind, casts-away sadness, brings a smile to your face, lets two hearts beat as one, dries your tears, shares the warmth of two bodies, crashes personal frontiers, replaces words, let´s you close your eyes and dream, dream about a better time, a better place, dream a dream about your loved one and let´s you share it with, right then and there with that one person that makes you feel like the world could end any moment and still you wouldn´t care, all the people around you disappears and time stops, and even if it´s for only one second, you know, you just know the world is yours.

Hugs are like crack to me, I become an addict obsessed with getting my next fix and nothing else matters to me until I get that need satisfied. I´m officially a Hugger Anonimous. I´m in a recovery state, can´t take no one´s hugs, for if today I get one, tomorrow I´ll need two, next day will be four and the day after sixteen, and so on. I´d become so obsessed with hugs I would no longer be interested in anything else, would not give a damn about anything but getting more of them, currently I´m more afraid of getting one than getting a ham-sandwich. So if you don´t want to see me like this


Nov 9, 2009

Stop the pendulum

Warning: Don´t read, don´t worry and everything will be OK.

The alarm starts playing the same song I´ve grown to hate for it´s the herald of a new day and the end of the night, my eyes open and everything´s so familiar, wasn´t I awake a minute ago? feels like I just blinked and suddenly it´s already time to get up again, get out of bed or I´ll fall under the weight of my bedsheets and stay for who knows how long. Start walking, limping actually, my ankle complains like a disgruntled employee to a neglecting manager. Grab my new used laptop -it´s new to me anyways- and start it up, light my way to the kitchen with it´s light, leave it in the dinner table and prepare coffee in the darkness -it´s been four months since I do this and feel my way through the kitchen like an expert- open the fridge and get some yogurt out, check mails, drink everything up, get dressed and hit the road.

Outside freezing wind has stopped searing through the air, sun has came out but doesn´t warm, it only burns your skin, feels cold, and even that´s nothing compared with cold I feel inside. Get to the gym to get my daily fix of workout, the only thing that makes me feel something, maybe it´s because of the pain, maybe it´s because of the relief I get after pushing myself to the limit, either ways it makes me feel good. Make small talk with everyone I know, people are usually surprised when I ask them their names and actually remember them, go out of my way to say hello and ask them about issues they have, no longer does anyone know each other names. Get a shower, usually singing or whistling, one can never get too comfortable with his own body and lose inhibitions -everyone is more worried about people watching them naked than they are about checking each other out- but not anymore, no more songs echo in the changing-room, not feeling like singing today. After that is off to work.

At work I just sit there, waiting, waiting for someone to come, those are the good days, otherwise I´ll just sit in front of a computer not doing a thing, eventually I´ll log into facebook and find out that my boss has earned all available trophies from a farming game I dare not play, I´ve noticed he also wins those on weekends so I might say he´s working extra-hours, the poor thing, that might explain why he makes me wait for him to open the door between 10 and 30 minutes outside in the hall while he gets there in the morning. Guess I had higher expectations of the job, thought I would be doing something, anything, turns out, I´m not most of the time. Next thing on schedule: get home eat my meal with the family, food stopped tasting anything more than flavorless gruel a long time ago, my mom is a good cook, I just eat too fast to savor anything, too hungry. Run to catch the bus and get to school.

Hour after hour wasted, could be somewhere else doing something important, not sitting in a classroom listening to teachers´ and students´ senseless conversations that have nothing to do with anything. Only good thing is the human interaction, and even that nowadays it´s just scarce. On my way home my eyes are closing, lights in the subway hurt my eyes, they no longer tolerate it, seen their share already and are ready once again for darkness. Get home, shower -again-, have something to eat and then lay in bed, a new day is´t  just a blink away.

As a new day raises, the cycle begins anew, nothing different, just the same, people may change, but in  essence the same and I have to ask myself, how does that make you feel? Thing is, I´ve stopped feeling, Happiness and sadness are just opposite sides of a pendulum, the higher you get on one side it´s just as high as you´ll get on the other, you can´t feel more happiness than sadness, that would just defy the laws of physics.

Might take a while, but the pendulum will get to the other side, it has to, that´s law, the harder you swing it, the highest it´ll get, but it will go the other side just as high and as hard. The only option is to stop this come and go, to stop feeling, this does not come without a price, it always takes it´s toll, creativity lowers, individuality disappears, automatization begins, even walking becomes but a way to get from point A to point B, people gets blended into the scenics and are no longer relevant, cars are seen as obstacles to be avoided and everything seems like in a movie where you only watch but can do nothing  about what´s happening.

Stopping emotions fills you with emptiness -now that´s an oxymoron-, emptiness however it´s not a bad thing after all, it´s just nothingness, Zen practitioners try to attain that feeling for years, only difference is they live in the here and now, I live in limbo stuck in time. Good thing about it is no longer do I get hurt, no longer do I feel alone, bad thing, no longer feel joy, with some luck I´ll get that back sometime soon. In the mean time I´ll just stay laying here in complete nothingness, on one hand because it´s more comfortable than start feeling again -needed to get a break from all emotions- and on the other... well, quite simply...

-Still this isn´t dedicated to anyone, it´s just that the chorus fits into this perfectly-

Nov 8, 2009

Morning fresh

Yawwwn, I would like to wish everyone a good morning! alas I can´t, because it´s 11:00 pm. still that doesn´t mean I´ve been awake for more than two hours, and I´ll be going to bed again in about 10 minutes, so I´m taking this moment to post a little.

However first of all, I´d like to welcome Michaelluke from everyone´s favourite Smutty stuff -which seems to be offline at this moment- and my personal favourite It´s getting better, would like to chat with him soon. Oh and a welcome back to JP who was away :( but came back :) Also was this week was Wolfi´s 17th and Eddieh´s 18th birthday -a blog which I had the luck to find the exact day of his b-day party, how lucky am I?- Also, Landyn´s 19 birthday and I noticed everyone got together to make a nice birthday blog for him, and no one invited me, which makes me really angry

But I did get the chance to wish him a happy birthday on msn. Oh, and Just´s son turned 13, can´t forget about that, sorry I didn´t attend the party, but wasn´t invited :P still, hope he had a wonderful day, sure you couldn´t be any prouder.

Also one of my best friends came back Dave got a new power cord and if it works long enoug I´d like to talk to him -not much anyone can do, sorry ´bout that- but for the most part I´m always available for anyone willing to talk to me-. Also back is AJ which has been away for too long if you ask me.

But also bad news, seems like Ethan might not be blogging anymore, and will stop reading other people´s, Hope he feels better soon and blogs a little more about what´s going on in his life.

Also new to blogging is Jacob which needs to be welcomed to the community so if you get the time go say hi to his blog. Oh, and one old favorite of mine LonelyBoy actually went to his BeLonGTO reunion, I´m so proud of him and you all should be too, if you know him go congratulate him. I love that boy.

Also I´m so glad everyone enjoyed my last post, I was feeling really lonely and sad, somehow that didn´t  come across as good as expected.

Well, that´s it for me, I´m turning the equipment over for the night, which has turned out to be really good, playing Ultimate Alliance 2 with some of my friends and my brother on his Wii -yeah, I still get some fun from videogames, but only when around friends- and I´ll be making a real post soon I promise. -well today is still sunday so I felt like making dominical announcements- Hope to see you round soon.

Love to all

Nov 7, 2009

Best Friends FOREVER

When I was a young kid and went to elementary school, no body would play with me -can´t quite put my finger on the exact date but pretty much was at the very beginning-, no one would even talk to me for most of those years, it was sometime around that time that I met her, she used to skip gracefully between everyone, such a grace was almost incorporeal, always smiling seemed like she was mocking everyone all the time, long loose hair, perfect school uniform every time, she came to me and I let her into my life because she seemed the only one interested in playing with me. It seems now to me, we spent most of our time together, she would come to my house and be with me for hours, my parents didn´t see any particular reason why we shouldn´t be together because we always seemed so happy, played along, took long walks and whatever young kids that age usually do. Granted, she wasn´t That fun to be around but she was with me, she kept me companied for long seasons, sometimes we would linger together in big parks, and even if there were lots of kids around us We just kept together, it was such a strong bond no one would ever be able to break, we always managed to find our way back to each other, which really was interesting for at times we kinda grew apart because I got to know some guy at school which I liked and she got mad at me for talking to someone and just went away -well you know how kids are, they can´t be blamed-, but that never lasted long, before I knew it the boy I talked to would go away, find "cool" friends and never even glanced at me again, and then she would return to comfort me, she would hug me, envelop and accompany me.

We were good to each other, she even followed me to the same middle-school, we were always together, seemed inseparable, still it´s so good to find that through such hard times she would never grow tired of my presence, you know how things are at that age, everyone´s so worried about the changes they are going through, but she never got into trouble with no one, I on my behalf wasn´t as lucky which only made Us much closer to each other.

At last I went into high-school, was a weird time, got to meet so many people, so many that I almost completely forgot about her, must admit that -as selfish as it might seem-  I never got the time to think about her, she would phone sometimes but I told everyone I didn´t want to talk to her, when she knocked on my door I would hide and fake no one was home, my parents asked about her once or twice but I just didn´t know how she was doing -yeah, I´m really not a nice guy-, but never as much as missed. Now whenever I got into trouble Igot to fight my fights and seemed that people had my back covered, no use being around anyone that couldn´t so much as help me beat people up.

Not so long ago she came back, convinced me to start making this blog thingy because I was having so much trouble in my life and I could not post a thing so far because I have been spending so many time with her -and when I´m with her time just seem to past right through me-, I owe to her so many things, so many problems, so many hours of boredom, so many tears, so many long nights, so many friendless years, so many... so many it looks as if I´m destined to send the rest of my life with her, today I look back and realize she never did went away, she was just waiting for her exact moment to make her glorious comeback, most of my friends know about her, know our history together, they know we don´t get along so good and even if they try and stop me from meeting her again their efforts are thwarted by my best efforts to get in touch with her, they really worry about me but I just choose not to pay any heed to their advice, they would call to advice me better but I just choose to not answer their phone calls and turn my phone off. Don´t know why I do it but at times I just need to be with her to remember all our best times, and rejoice in her presence, she seemed to make all my problems go away...when I was a kid, now I´m no longer a kid, I thought she would go away when I grew up, I thought when I met people I would no longer need her being here, I thought I would no longer have to suffer from her presence, and what´s worst, I thought I wouldn´t seek her again, run into her arms, let her swallow me, let her shroud me with her mantle.

Maybe she´ll be with me until the very last of my days on earth, even if I try to get away from her, she always finds her way back. Now I don´t get a rest from her, she follows me, follows me into my very dreams and torture me in them, can´t get a good night sleep, can´t get no rest, can´t get away.

I still remember our first conversation at school, when I was younger, sitting at the limits of the play-yard watching other kids run and play joyfully, screaming and running as all kids do. She appeared out of the blue, jumped into my back and gave me a reassuring smile, asked my name and then went on to introduce herself "don´t worry Dzyan, I´ll always be with you, my name is Loneliness".

Nov 3, 2009

Dia de muertos... well...not anymore, but still

Ok, so I've been meaning to make this post all day long and haven't been able to do so, have been busy with work and designing an intervention plan on low-selfsteem patients, yeah I know not an excuse, but I do this as my hobby so now that have the time will tell you a little about the day before, it was completely awsome!! spent the whole day on the street, been years since I last celebrated Día de muertos and the wait was totally worth it.

First got to be at a small exhibition about skulls, now, we usually paint skulls with the names of our deceased and put them at an altar, usually they're made of sugar or a new variant -introduced about 10 years ago- chocolate, however this ones where made of cardboard and given to various artists to decorate, they look like this

There were even more -like 30 of these- and they all looked incredible -yeah, mexicans and ours skulls (calaveras) can't get enough of them- the first one is one that  enjoy a whole bunch, it has written on its forehead "I'm in paradise...and with lots of time to enjoy it", second one's got flowers coming out of its eyes, which are the yellow flowers with which we decorate offerings, also has got a demon and an angel playing by the side of a flower-made cross. Third one has got an angel coming out of its left eye and a demon coming out of its mouth, decorated with a crown of leaves and smaller skulls, last one is my brother's favorite, it looks like it's made of dirt and a small branch is coming out of it, they all have their own meaning, but I'll figure them out. There are more of these but those where the ones I liked the most.

On the evening we went to get a look at Ofrendas made by university students, this year they were all made in honor of Edgar Alan Poe, so they all had something related to him in one way or another, they had quotes from his books and scenes too, what really impressed me was this one skull

You see all the colors and the small crow in the tree, that's just awesome, the floor filled with smaller calaveras, it's just great. Now I realize it must be weird reading about someone so excited writing about death and skulls and offers for death people, but that's just tradition over here, you can't stop death, but don't need to be afraid of it, or maybe it's because we're afraid of death that we make jokes about her.
Funny thing though, all this comes from a mixture of aztec traditions and Christianity brought by spanish people, Aztecs were used to bring sacrifices to their Gods -yeah, we used to offer the hearts of people to Gods, but it was an honor to die in such a way, not a torture like many people think and offerings where selected to a few, not war prisioners, they were turned into slaves- and along came the spanish, Gods changed, rules changed, sacrifices changed, now instead of the blood and heart of a human sacrifices became flowers, bread, candies and chocolate and most important of all gold. So tradition's the same, similar sacrifices, different God.
So in short, Yesterday was great, so good not even the Catrina -that's how we call Death and it's a she- lost it

And of course "El  Pan de muerto" -death bread- couldn't be missing for this much expected occasion. Have more photos but as I'm running out of Scotch-tape will have to save them for the next post, right now I'm just really falling asleep. So I'll catch you soon.

Love to all

Nov 2, 2009

Thriller...Thriller night

Today is Día de Muertos :) This is my favourite holiday of the year, it even beats Christmas -well I never get anything, I´m always a naughty boy- and Día de la Independencia -which is mostly a reason to get drunk-, no, this tradition involves celebrating life, and I´m good at that, not many people enjoy life as much as I do and would advice everyone to do so, the how is quite easy, loving what you do and doing what you love it´s always a good way to start. Also is a day to remember departed ones, not in a sad way, but think of them and  leave them an Ofrenda -Offering (no, not human hearts, we left that one tradition a little time ago, or did we???)- in which we place a picture of the dead, decorate it with flowers, light a whole bunch of candles -to lighten their way back to this world- and lay the table full of food the departed loved in life -yeah, mexicans love food- for this is the day dead people come back and  play with the living. Also streets are filled with skulls and bones, so how can you go wrong with Día de muertos?

So what does this also mean? No school today, and what else? No work :) couldn´t be happier. As today I had nothing to do yesterday I couldn´t be bothered to get-off of bed, was freezing my ass at -don´t laugh- 15º c (59ºf) and decided that no one could bother me to get up, so I slept most of the day. Ah, and party was fun, didn´t get to see my ex a lot so spent it with my brother and some good friends.

I will ave to excuse myself as in my last post I told everyone I had two new followers but didn´t write about them so I´ll have to correct this now, also add my newer reader :) all of which couldn´t make me happier. So here we go Eeyore -aka Ben- from Gay Mid-schooler, must say I´m a follower of his blog for some time now and like it a lot -though you have too much drama for such a small boy dear boy-, Biki who´s got two blogs: Life on a Printed Plane and Unscheduled Scenic Routes, well...she also has third blog, but that one´s private. Wait, did I say she?? Yes, my first follower that´s a laday :D most welcomed, and Schnellie -schnell? Ich frage mich, ob er so schnell wie er vorgibt zu sein :P - from The Fashion Monster, a really good place with good music and image selection, alas is in german. Thank you all for reading along.

So long day ahead of me -long as I have nothing planned to do, but I´ll definitely won´t spend the day grounded at home- let´s get it started shall we?

Love to all