Not one nor the other, but something in between

Just a quick one I promise, I've noticed that it doesn't matter whether I'm hanging out with my straight male friends or my gay male friends, no one seems to fully accept me as I am, I'm not straight enough or gay enough respectively, I do hate that my straight friends think of me as a pervert, no matter how good we get along, they might not remember while hanging out, but in the end something always reminds them that I'm just not straight and that probably all I'm trying to do is get them in their pants. On the other hand, when I hang out with my gay friends they always seem to drift apart and not fully trust me, they look at me eyes filled with insecurity and a face that reflects they don't know if they should act like they do when with only gay friends :`( Seems I don't belong anywhere.

Image borrowed from Piko Neko

As I write this post my first boyfriend arrived to my home, I call him Blue (even while talking in spanish), I know he won't say hello, he's a good friend of my brother and I broke the rule of not going out with my brother's friends. I still feel something for him and what hurts the most is that he knows it, I talked about him in the first post I ever did only didn't mentioned his name, I hate that he knows I still care about him, and hate even more than he's in a relationship right now, it's just that when you feel like no one's getting you in life, and don't know what's going on with you and find your first boyfriend suddenly you feel like everything makes sense, when that happened to me I just couldn't be happier and thought the love would last forever, now I'm just hopping it doesn't cause it just hurts so much.

I'm feeling really sad just because he's here and I know is because of all the stress in my life but right now I don't need him here. F*ÇK!!! why am I the f*çking drama queen I am?

I hope my life gets better after a good night sleep, don't think it'll help that much though.

All the love
lonely me