Oct 18, 2009

My big 50 or How I grew up and could no longer fit in the closet

Today is a date of celebration as I´ve done fifty posts already,  fifty more posts than I thought I could be able to do four months ago. Now, if you´ve been a follower of this blog for more than two days, you might now that I´m all about celebrating special occasions so thanks to my dear old friend FMS decided the topic to celebrate this milestone for me would be the day I came out to my parents. Good friends of mine have been coming out to their own parents for the last two weeks, Phil, Liam, Jason, Brett, FMS, to mention some brave guys that had the balls recently to achieve this deed. Also I thought about doing this post a whoooole lot of time ago, but could never get around to do it, maybe for the better, it I would´ve done it sooner the result would´ve probably been: "I towlkt, hogged... uuuhm... towlkt some more and then wi left". So yeah, I´ve improved a little in my writing and redaction, but still have a long way to go, but please be patient with me.

It all started a Thursday evening on July, over 14 weeks ago -wow, it´s scary how life can twist and turn in a three and a half months period and still keep perfectly still in so many ways- had tried to come to my parents since the weekend, but the condition wasn´t the ideal one, mood at home was flinging from extreme happiness to extreme conflict -as it usually swings around here-, shocking news can´t be brought to a conversation when conflict is abound for people would use them as a scape goat, but they can neither be discussed in times of extreme happiness or people would just hate your guts for breaking their scarce gleeful times. But that morning and that time was just perfect, my sister was at school, and my brother was sleeping, as he´s a sound sleeper I knew I had an hour to have a decent conversation with my parents, one which wouldn´t be too lengthy as he´d wake up to go to work and even if things happened to get ugly and shouts started happen my brother wouldn´t wake up -hell, he wouldn´t wake up even if his bed was on fire and Nero was playing his violin by his side-.

Mom and dad were drinking coffee like every morning, and watching morning news like every morning, I had woken up one hour earlier and drank myself some coffee and made up a bag foreseeing...well, the worst and waltzed right to the living room, walked to the TV set, turned it off and pronounced the most feared phrase available in any language "We need to talk". My parents were really worried for only one time before I had had the need to say such a scary line, and it also changed our lives -but that´s a story for another time-. Mom said Uh-oh this is going to be important, Dad said OK let´s talk, ha, couldn´t see what was coming his way. This is how conversation unfolded.

Me: I need to tell you some things, our relationship has been on the rocks for some years now, I realize I am to fault for I have kept all my life a secret to you -I am a really private person in my life, and you for bad or for worse have a first row sit to my innermost thoughts- and I think it´s time we talk a little about what my life´s become, I realize that if I were to die right now or anything would come to happen to me you´d know absolutely not a clue of what my life is.

I most tell you some things that you might not like but are truth nonetheless and I hope you come to accept them for they are who I am.
First, I broke up with my last girlfriend in November, I never did mention her to you before but would if things would´ve gotten more serious.
I have drank beer, I drink it with my friends at parties or clubs but have never in my life gotten drunk.
I´ve never done drugs though I have friends that use them -at that moment had to stop for I needed to gather some bravery to tell them the REAL reason I needed to talk to them which my dad took as his cue to start with a speech of his own-
Dad: Listen son, I know I´ve tried to get to know you better but you always push us awa... -at this moment I raised my hand signalling him to stop-
Me: Wait, I´m not done, -he was just puzzled, he knew something BIG was coming, I never go to the extent of directing the conversation-, andddd as I was saying I´ve got a boyfriend
Dad: a...awha...what?
Me: A BOYFRIEND dad, and it´s not the first one, and it´s not a phase, I´ve been attracted to guys ever since I was 14. -my dad was left trying to think of something to say, mouthing of un-audible thoughts that past speeding through his mind, with his gaze stuck to the table-
Mom: I kinda suspected it -not because I´m overly evident, in fact other than subtle hints given away when I´m talking to girls or gays (or my pride bracelet now) you could never tell me apart, at this I started smirking for I was reminded of the time my mom walked into my room without knocking the door, slamming the door and catching my ex and me spooning on my bed while trying to get some sleep, of course if she had gotten inside fifteen minutes earlier she would´ve catch us forking, suddenly the angry tone in her voice was gone and a more worried one took its place, the topic was never mentioned and she was left to rationalize the event into whatever she thought would be more fitting, also she might´ve found it more odd since I never acted as guilty-.
Me:  Well, I just thought you should know this because you are my parents and I love you, and if you would want, I would gladly talk about it with you openly so we can all live with this as a family.
Dad: -Dad is a man that always always always have something to say and he prides himself over that, even if it´s to point out the obvious he´ll talk (which gets annoying over the years but that´s who he is and he makes a point every time he´s got a chance that he´s not changing), so his silence was really getting to me, that and the fact that his whole face was white started worrying me, he´s got heart issues which only worsened after that day-...I just don´t know what to say...
Me: You could say you love me
Dad: Of course I love you! of course... -he stood up and went for a hug, he hugged me as hard as he could for as long as he could until he realized my mom was behind him waiting for her turn at a hug, all three of us crying now-
We love you so much, you´re our son and this does not changes anything.
But...are you sure about this
Me: Completely
Dad: But there is a lot of discrimination, and people usually hates gay people, and and...
Me: But I´m strong dad, and I´m a grown up now
Dad: Listen, I know that being gay is not a bad thing, but I´ve got friends that get treated really bad by their peers, also HIV is always an issue with them
Me: Dad, I take care of myself, always had. -People usually relates homosexuality with HIV for some reason, such a wrong perspective always infuriates me-
This actually went on for some time, Dad tried to convince himself that what I was going through was not as bad as people usually imagine it being on the outside, I just reassured him for that´s what he needed the most
Dad; and you told your brother?
Me: He knows -he once while trying to turn off my computer watched some porn left there for everyone to see (What? is my computer, and my room, I would think people have the decency of not touching my stuff while I´m out, and I knew this because my brother told his best friend and his best friend happened too be my boyfriend at the time)-,
Dad: and your sister?
Me: Nope, not yet.
Dad: please don´t tell her, she´s in that age...
Me: I won´t
Dad: OK son we love you
Me: and I love you.

Aaaah, the memories, if I could go at it again I wouldn´t change a thing about it. Our relationship has somewhat improved, and my dad´s heart condition has gotten a lot better, now he´s on a diet and has lost 10 kg, my mom´s still as cold as always, but that´s just how he is and I talk to her about things I could´ve never talked to her before, like when people that go on TV that are really ugly or how ugly they dress and actually make her laugh -well, I´ve learned stuff the lasts three and a half months-. And oddly enough my dad was watching this morning "In or Out" rather attentively to see what he could catch on "different lifestyles".
So as a glance back, things have improved, now I´m me, I can be myself and don´t have to hide any more, I haven´t introduced any bfs to my parents but I don´t know how they would handle it, of course, now I had to get one first to introduce them to each other. Hope this helps anyone that´s trying to decide whether they should come out or not. And as I always say,
"A life lived without being yourself is like a song that´s not heard, worthless"
Love to all


y78ilm said...

Great story, well done! You almost had me to tears there, thanks for sharing!

Isn't it weird how that "I suspected it", or in my case "I already knew it" is there somewhere? Parents seem to know their kids damn well, even if they sometimes show differently. Not all of course, some are hopelessly blind throughout their lives.


Anonymous said...

I liked it and was nervous on how they would take it and as for deciding I'm still going to stay in the closet it's much safer.

Though I'm really starting to suspect that my mom does think I'm gay and isn't happy at all and this will not go over well when I come out (again)

JP said...

Great Story! And I'm glad your relationship with your parents is in good shape, that's one that everyone takes for granted and I'm glad you never forgot that.

Plenty of love,

Aek said...

Thanks for sharing. :-)

It sounds like you have a very understanding family, though you might not always see that. Would it have been pointful to correct your dad when he thought you were gay and not bi? Or is that just a minor detail that kind of floats on by?

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing - you know, your posts always make me smile

Just said...

Congrats Fer .... for the 50th post ... very fitting post for it too . I have another favorite quote too now ( from one of my favorite writers ) .... can I save it for later "A life lived without being yourself is like a song that´s not heard, worthless"~ Fernando. Rock out love Just.

Dave83201 said...

Wow my friend, I'm so happy for you. That went about as well as anyone could ever hope. Your bravery inspires me. I hope we can chat soon!

Anonymous said...

I find it curiuos that the first thing (some people say) is whether "your sure about being gay"

I don't really understand that when its clearly obvious that its hard thing to admit to yourself and especially to other people.

My heart and breathing always stops at that, "I have to tell you something" whether its to your parents like you or to just my friend. It's such a powerful sentence and from there, anything can happen...

Brett said...

Cool story Fer, I was curious about how you told them.

I'm glad things worked out well =]

Seth said...

Congratulations on #50. And I'm happy to hear you had pretty smooth sailing with your coming out experience/


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