Oct 20, 2009

Dante got it wrong

Dante Alighieri, though a master in his own right, made while writing his novel entitled "Divina Commedia" an unforgivable mistake, it is written in such book -which relates the story of Dante and his travel through Hell, Purgatory and Heaven (whether you believe or not in such places is not the matter of discussion)- that upon the threshold of Hell is inscribed "abandon all hope ye who enter here", when in fact upon said threshold is written in glowing letters a far more terrifying inscription, one that makes the most brave man shake in his boots, one so terrible that it´s only sight not only makes people "abandon all hope", but in fact it makes them wish -if they haven´t yet- wish never had been born; thus it prepares them for the worst and far beyond, those words are, in fact, the very utterances you hear every time you know life as you know it has finished, the must dreadful line in the world: "I have something to tell you".

However such an omission should not be credited to Dante, as it was in fact a publicity stunt  from his editor, as he knew no man would ever read such book, for men are truly terrorized at the very sight of them, still credit where credit is due, he convinced Dante to change the eight circle of Hell -to MY good-luck- from the place where humorless entertainers -such as graceless court jesters, bad writers, modern days politicians and me- where laid to spend eternity into the more poetically -but not totally unrelated- one described as the circle of Fraud. Now to this change Dante only agreed after negotiating that God should be portrayed as a fully naked woman with a roasted pork in one hand and a glass of wine in the other -this however was changed in the final version by his editor too, and being replaced for a glowing orb of luminescent light (all this unbeknownst to Dante of course)-, meanwhile the only thing the book could think about was how with its new acquired nudity scenes that may lead to casual sex and demons would make him way cooler than his older brother "La vita nouva" where a guy falls in love with a girl that dies, that would show him. -oh, and there´s also no nudity, it´s the thirtieth century what were you expecting?"

But back to the topic that concerns us, the words "I have something to tell you" on their own have nothing inherently evil nor harmful, they could in fact become the beginning of a pleasant conversation in a nice coffee house near a Parisian boulangerie, or at the hall of an all girl school in the middle of recess, this however is only when the conversation is between two human beings that have reproductive organs on the inside rather than on the outside. Alas, for men while listening or producing it, such a phrase -generally accompanied with a frown and spoken with disdain- never precedes a memorable moment.

Usually, when given to someone the we-need-to-talk liner the look on their faces becomes a freshly made masque of clay that has just been poured with water, eyes sink, eyebrows fall, mouth slowly opens and cheeks hang from the sides of the face. However if the one on the receiving end is your own person , this sentence of doom -one which the most cruel and sadistic judges would never dare to say-, the earth around your feet seems to become quicksand trapping them and making it completely impossible to run away, heart shrink and sinks into the innermost part of the chest, lungs seem to loose their ability to draw fresh air and muscles tighten to the point of producing an overall pain that paralyzes the rest of the body and renders the listener into a torpor-like state that completely deactivates all defensive mechanisms available to that person and makes him just *sit and listen*.

Throughout the life of your most humble narrator, the need of saying the afore mentioned line -which shall not be repeated for the sake of the men of all around the world reading- has only presented itself two times -besides the one in which his parents were to realize of his "different" sexual inclinations- and neither were, on their own rights pleasant for anyone. One of such involved the breakage of a "love" relationship, the other one however was one in which results were more of a life changing experience. One in which, as happens to many people, our hero discovered that his true calling was not that of being inside a laboratory studying bacteriology and opted -despite the hatred that it might´ve bred in all his family- become but an adept of a more gentle discipline that is known as psychology -for to all lights and if we must be honest to each other, it´s not by far a science-.

So men of all races, colors and flavors, be Afraid. Beware of anyone that might come up to you and say such an unbearable phrase, don´t ever use it lightly, words have power, and those words, said in that exact same order have the power to scare sleep, shatter dreams and make the earth quake. Next time you hear it RUN, run as fast as your legs can, if someone is holding you by an extremity my recommendation is this: bite it off like trapped coyotes!, you might survive with one less arm, but broken hearts take more time to heal, and when ripped from the chest by the person you love the most it stops the world from spinning.

When was the last time you used it?
Love to all

P.S. I must warn I might not have crossed referenced "some" information posted here so I might end up in the eight hell either ways


Aek said...

Interesting post . . . not sure what to say exactly. o_O

Aaron said...

I agree with Aek. I don't know what to say really. :)

billy said...

It's a phrase which conjures our deepest fears. For me, when I hear it I'm afraid I'm about to lose someone. The bad news which will end a relationship, the rejection. The news of death or terminal illness which will take a loved one.

Quit being dramatic and just tell me, ok?

Brett said...

*Lets it sink in*

Wow. Food for thought, much? Heh.


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