Nov 9, 2009

Stop the pendulum

Warning: Don´t read, don´t worry and everything will be OK.

The alarm starts playing the same song I´ve grown to hate for it´s the herald of a new day and the end of the night, my eyes open and everything´s so familiar, wasn´t I awake a minute ago? feels like I just blinked and suddenly it´s already time to get up again, get out of bed or I´ll fall under the weight of my bedsheets and stay for who knows how long. Start walking, limping actually, my ankle complains like a disgruntled employee to a neglecting manager. Grab my new used laptop -it´s new to me anyways- and start it up, light my way to the kitchen with it´s light, leave it in the dinner table and prepare coffee in the darkness -it´s been four months since I do this and feel my way through the kitchen like an expert- open the fridge and get some yogurt out, check mails, drink everything up, get dressed and hit the road.

Outside freezing wind has stopped searing through the air, sun has came out but doesn´t warm, it only burns your skin, feels cold, and even that´s nothing compared with cold I feel inside. Get to the gym to get my daily fix of workout, the only thing that makes me feel something, maybe it´s because of the pain, maybe it´s because of the relief I get after pushing myself to the limit, either ways it makes me feel good. Make small talk with everyone I know, people are usually surprised when I ask them their names and actually remember them, go out of my way to say hello and ask them about issues they have, no longer does anyone know each other names. Get a shower, usually singing or whistling, one can never get too comfortable with his own body and lose inhibitions -everyone is more worried about people watching them naked than they are about checking each other out- but not anymore, no more songs echo in the changing-room, not feeling like singing today. After that is off to work.

At work I just sit there, waiting, waiting for someone to come, those are the good days, otherwise I´ll just sit in front of a computer not doing a thing, eventually I´ll log into facebook and find out that my boss has earned all available trophies from a farming game I dare not play, I´ve noticed he also wins those on weekends so I might say he´s working extra-hours, the poor thing, that might explain why he makes me wait for him to open the door between 10 and 30 minutes outside in the hall while he gets there in the morning. Guess I had higher expectations of the job, thought I would be doing something, anything, turns out, I´m not most of the time. Next thing on schedule: get home eat my meal with the family, food stopped tasting anything more than flavorless gruel a long time ago, my mom is a good cook, I just eat too fast to savor anything, too hungry. Run to catch the bus and get to school.

Hour after hour wasted, could be somewhere else doing something important, not sitting in a classroom listening to teachers´ and students´ senseless conversations that have nothing to do with anything. Only good thing is the human interaction, and even that nowadays it´s just scarce. On my way home my eyes are closing, lights in the subway hurt my eyes, they no longer tolerate it, seen their share already and are ready once again for darkness. Get home, shower -again-, have something to eat and then lay in bed, a new day is´t  just a blink away.

As a new day raises, the cycle begins anew, nothing different, just the same, people may change, but in  essence the same and I have to ask myself, how does that make you feel? Thing is, I´ve stopped feeling, Happiness and sadness are just opposite sides of a pendulum, the higher you get on one side it´s just as high as you´ll get on the other, you can´t feel more happiness than sadness, that would just defy the laws of physics.

Might take a while, but the pendulum will get to the other side, it has to, that´s law, the harder you swing it, the highest it´ll get, but it will go the other side just as high and as hard. The only option is to stop this come and go, to stop feeling, this does not come without a price, it always takes it´s toll, creativity lowers, individuality disappears, automatization begins, even walking becomes but a way to get from point A to point B, people gets blended into the scenics and are no longer relevant, cars are seen as obstacles to be avoided and everything seems like in a movie where you only watch but can do nothing  about what´s happening.

Stopping emotions fills you with emptiness -now that´s an oxymoron-, emptiness however it´s not a bad thing after all, it´s just nothingness, Zen practitioners try to attain that feeling for years, only difference is they live in the here and now, I live in limbo stuck in time. Good thing about it is no longer do I get hurt, no longer do I feel alone, bad thing, no longer feel joy, with some luck I´ll get that back sometime soon. In the mean time I´ll just stay laying here in complete nothingness, on one hand because it´s more comfortable than start feeling again -needed to get a break from all emotions- and on the other... well, quite simply...

-Still this isn´t dedicated to anyone, it´s just that the chorus fits into this perfectly-


Brett said...

Are you sure you'll be ok? You sound like you could do with a *hug*.

Feel better mate. :)

Catch you soon,
Brett =].

Cooper said...

i agree with brett sending hugs!

Anonymous said...

I recognize the feeling. Expectations. Disappointments. Questions. Tons of crap going through the mind. Nothing in our existence seem to be fixed. It all gets worse till what's familiar seem to lose its contours. Unreal. What's true, what's not.

Hang in there.


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