Jul 30, 2009

Still trying to move on but...

As expected Charly came back from his vacations on Wednesday and as expected he contacted me to go see a movie (mainly because I promised it the last time we talked, but he told me he was going with someone else), so I told him that promises where promises and I would be delighted to go meet him, so we decided we were meeting today at the cinema we always went together on the outskirts of the gay district. On my way I got on a bus that had the radio at full volume playing Queen's "crazy little thing called love" nothing as true at the moment, I got off the subway a few stations short because I wanted to walk and get my thoughts in order, all of a sudden a strong rain began falling on me as I walked down the street, as I was still far away from my destination I couldn't see the point in running because that would only shorten my attention to the problem at hand and because I love to get wet from the rain, so walking as I was I realized I came to the street where under the same weather we had our first date - Blurry lines appear all around to show the flashback -

It was the gay pride parade and it was really sunny, I arrived a little late as I had to eat with my mother and Charly was already waiting for me with all his friends and a couple of my classmates, so we had a couple of hours of fun and a storm began to rage against us so we ran to the nearest restaurant available three minutes away running and got in, we went to dry ourselfs to the bathroom with the hand-blower thingy and waited for 20 minutes for a service that never came, however the restaurant began to flood with water from the rain and from the sewers and we had to leave and get completely wet again, so we ran to the nearest subway station about a mile from there and when we where a block away rain suddenly stopped, by that time the parade has been called off, so we decided to return where we met and go get something to eat, we were freezing, everybody was starving, I was trembling, it was really fun, something I won't forget.

So back to today, I decided I would stay firm on my stand and not get back together, even though I care a lot for him I cannot go back. The evening was quite uneventful, filled with awkward silences, repetition of topics in the conversation, moments when you know you should hug to try and comfort but you don't know if it's appropriate. I saw that he really misses me and I'm so deeply sorry for that, I miss him too but I know I cannot go back to him, so I couldn't have expressed more thoroughly how bad it's been without him, but that I'm just not ready yet to have a relation not with him nor any other person for the time being. He gave me a ride home and we talked about my father and his health and we said goodbye, I hugged him and before I got out of the car I kissed him gently in the cheek. I don't know if I'll see him again until school starts again in one month but he said it will get interesting, now I don't know if that's good or bad, I don't like the way he said it and I hope it doesn't mean anything bad for me... although if it is I won't say I don't deserve it.

Anyways, I'm ready to move on, having closed what was still open and coming to a decision was not easy, still I think I must change something in my life, it has gotten quite comfortable and I need to rattle the cage a little, I hate being comfortable and staying idle, I need something new and refreshing, if anyone has any ideas please send them to me, it doesn't matter how crazy they sound, either way I'm crazy enough to try 'em all, but for now sleep tight and have wonderful dreams with me.
Smile for me : )


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