Still trying to move on but...

As expected Charly came back from his vacations on Wednesday and as expected he contacted me to go see a movie (mainly because I promised it the last time we talked, but he told me he was going with someone else), so I told him that promises where promises and I would be delighted to go meet him, so we decided we were meeting today at the cinema we always went together on the outskirts of the gay district. On my way I got on a bus that had the radio at full volume playing Queen's "crazy little thing called love" nothing as true at the moment, I got off the subway a few stations short because I wanted to walk and get my thoughts in order, all of a sudden a strong rain began falling on me as I walked down the street, as I was still far away from my destination I couldn't see the point in running because that would only shorten my attention to the problem at hand and because I love to get wet from the rain, so walking as I was I realized I came to the street where under the same weather we had our first date - Blurry lines appear all around to show the flashback -

It was the gay pride parade and it was really sunny, I arrived a little late as I had to eat with my mother and Charly was already waiting for me with all his friends and a couple of my classmates, so we had a couple of hours of fun and a storm began to rage against us so we ran to the nearest restaurant available three minutes away running and got in, we went to dry ourselfs to the bathroom with the hand-blower thingy and waited for 20 minutes for a service that never came, however the restaurant began to flood with water from the rain and from the sewers and we had to leave and get completely wet again, so we ran to the nearest subway station about a mile from there and when we where a block away rain suddenly stopped, by that time the parade has been called off, so we decided to return where we met and go get something to eat, we were freezing, everybody was starving, I was trembling, it was really fun, something I won't forget.

So back to today, I decided I would stay firm on my stand and not get back together, even though I care a lot for him I cannot go back. The evening was quite uneventful, filled with awkward silences, repetition of topics in the conversation, moments when you know you should hug to try and comfort but you don't know if it's appropriate. I saw that he really misses me and I'm so deeply sorry for that, I miss him too but I know I cannot go back to him, so I couldn't have expressed more thoroughly how bad it's been without him, but that I'm just not ready yet to have a relation not with him nor any other person for the time being. He gave me a ride home and we talked about my father and his health and we said goodbye, I hugged him and before I got out of the car I kissed him gently in the cheek. I don't know if I'll see him again until school starts again in one month but he said it will get interesting, now I don't know if that's good or bad, I don't like the way he said it and I hope it doesn't mean anything bad for me... although if it is I won't say I don't deserve it.

Anyways, I'm ready to move on, having closed what was still open and coming to a decision was not easy, still I think I must change something in my life, it has gotten quite comfortable and I need to rattle the cage a little, I hate being comfortable and staying idle, I need something new and refreshing, if anyone has any ideas please send them to me, it doesn't matter how crazy they sound, either way I'm crazy enough to try 'em all, but for now sleep tight and have wonderful dreams with me.
Smile for me : )

Getting there

So it's been a hard couple of weeks but I must admit I have great friends that support me and worry for me, also a couple of mails I received made my day. So among the people that tried to cheer me up I found a friend that hasn't been around for about 6 years, back on high school I had a small crush on him, he was a total twink with slender body, dark brown hair and as tall as my eyes (I don't know why I like them smaller than me), so he was really hot back then, I asked around and people who has seen him tell me he is only a bit taller and hasn't changed a thing since then, but we both had girlfriends, and he was straight at the time so nothing ever happened. So we got to talk for about an hour and a half and after a year of trying I finally set up a date with him, now I told him that next weeks saturday he should mark on his calendar because he was going to be mine for the day, and he told me he liked that kind of proposition and was really interested. I payed no attention because I took it for a joke (he still doesn't know I'm bi), but later on the conversation I told him I was thinking of starting a Harem, he told me inmediatly "count me in!", really excited, at that moment I didn't know what to think so I started asking around for people who know him better, and as it turns out, he was interested in boys for a while but nobody knows exactly if something happened, so I'll have to find out on august the 6th, marked on my calendar already, hehe, we all now him as Satou which means sugar in japanese, ironically Iḿ in dire need of some sugar right now.

Once a friend told me a way to find out how you really feel deep down, is a quick excercise and you should try it, first close your eyes (after you're done reading, duh), and imagine a landscape, any landscape at all and write it all down, so here's what I saw: I saw a plain, a huge plain that faded into the horizon, the grass was yellow and you couldn't see a tree or an animal anywhere, it was a little dark and had no trails, so I thought well that isn't much of a revelation, if there is no path is because I've never followed one to begin with and yes, it does feel a little lonely nowadays, but then I realiced that up in the sky a flock of birds were flying all in the same direction where the sun was now rising and the grass seemed greener, now I don't now who this flock of birds is, or if they are a group of persons or just my will and perseverence but I will find it out, soon I hope, so I'll just keep on walking, hope I don't have to walk alone all the way, but if you want to be part of my flock, you're totally welcome, and now what do you see when you close your eyes?

Where introductions are made

So as you can see, I have no manners at all for I have not introduced myself, People have called me fagot, queen, queer, poofter even, and that doesn't change who I am one bit, My real name is Fernando -Fer for short- I'm 24 and I love my life. I live with my parents, my brother and sister in Mexico city, I'm a Mexican born and bred though my forefathers came mainly from Spain and England and there's also Caribbean pirates in there so I don't look like your typical Mexican guy. I'll finally begin my last term at the university next month and so I will become a licensed psychologist. I also teach English as a second language and learn German and French as a hobby, spending my little spare time working out and hanging with my friends.

I just came out of the closet, told my parents I have had boyfriends and girlfriends, they took it rather well, or so I thought, my father has developed a problem with his blood pressure because he worries himself sick every time I went out with my boyfriend. My parents and I have had some troublesome years because I didn't want them to know I am bisexual, so I pushed them away from my life and they didn't know a thing about me until last month so I finally gathered confidence and told them, since then things have run smoothly, I no longer keep them in the dark and they don't hassle me with questions of where I am and who I'm with (I think they are using the "don't ask what you don't want to know" technique which actually suits me).

My last boyfriend is Charly and he's not only my ex, he's also the principal in charge of the psychology department at the university where I study, so it will get interesting once school starts next term because he will also be teaching me one class, (hope that doesn't get awkward), either way school is still one month away, and he's the nicest guy, he found out I was feeling lonely on Sunday so he called me on my cellphone to ask me if I wanted him to quit his vacations and come see me and talk, I told him how nice he was to me even now and thanked him but couldn't accept that, he'll be back tomorrow and I don't know if he'll try to contact me but right now I just need to be alone for a while.

I've rambled too much, so that's all for now, right now I have to hit the gym and try not to think in how I hurted Charly and myself along the way.

So... I'm depressed

I know it's not the most exciting title, but at least it's the most honest one. I don't feel good, and to be quite honest I have not felt good for while, what's the problem? you may ask interested, the answer however is as dull and cliché as there ever will be: I broke up with my boyfriend, of course, this was last week which to be quite honest didn't struck him as a surprise and I started feeling better once an ex came over and offered me his support (now, as I say support I mean he listened at me, he told me everything will be OK and then let me fuck him, yup, which was pretty wood... I mean good, hehe), however, as he is alone right and so am I, I foolishly thought he was interested in something more than just sex, BIG mistake.

I don't have that great deal of experience with relationships, when I broke up with my first girlfriend I took some time off to be with myself (I hate to admit it, but those where some pretty lonely 6 years), OK, maybe I took waaaay too much time, I was scared of being hurt again, so that really hindered my experience with all the dating scene.

So I was happy thinking that something might happen with my ex and me, until we talked yesterday and he told me it was a one time deal, because he's trying to begin a relationship with someone else, I don't blame him, I totally understand him, however I felt heartbroken before, and now I'm heartbroken and rejected and I hate that. I'm normally a cheerful guy which looks at "the bright side of life" as the song goes, but right now I'm feeling pretty down for the count.